And who says you can't learn things from Fox News?...

Not me!! I learned a new word from them today: cyncical.

Let me put it in a sentence:

Robert Pattinson shows chilling range in bleak, cyncical 'Cosmopolis'

Here are some other examples:

- i tried to be cyncical but i have too much hope (via Tumblr)

- How cold and cyncical characters can succeed: Work in advertising!

- Cyncical Thoughts of a Pessimistic Bitch

Or my favorite****:
This is why I am cyncical about getting facts and information from Fox News.

Oooh, I like that one..

Broadcast Bitchiness - CBS v. ABC

This is pretty amazing. Now, I am the first to admit that Colbert and The Onion have become my primary means of news intake - not sad, but very true.  It looks like CBS is following suit, because after a legal battle over some shitty reality show (The Glass House) that is a ripoff of some other shitty reality show (Big Brother), they have decided to draw a very mockingly hilarious line in the sand:

CBS ANNOUNCES DEVELOPMENT OF “DANCING ON THE STARS,” AN EXCITING AND COMPLETELY ORIGINAL REALITY PROGRAM THAT OWES ITS CONCEPT AND EXECUTION TO NOBODY AT ALL
Los Angeles, June 21, 2012 – Subsequent to recent developments in the creative and legal community, CBS Television today felt it was appropriate to reveal the upcoming launch of an exciting, ground-breaking and completely original new reality program for the CBS Television Network.
The dazzling new show, DANCING ON THE STARS, will be broadcast live from the Hollywood Forever Cemetery, and will feature moderately famous and sort of well-known people you almost recognize competing for big prizes by dancing on the graves of some of Hollywood’s most iconic and well-beloved stars of stage and screen.
The cemetery, the first in Hollywood, was founded in 1899 and now houses the remains of Andrew “Fatty” Arbuckle, producer Cecil B. DeMille, Douglas Fairbanks, Jr., Paul Muni, Benjamin “Bugsy” Siegel, George Harrison of the Beatles and Dee Dee Ramone of the Ramones, among many other great stars of stage, screen and the music business. The company noted that permission to broadcast from the location is pending, and that if efforts in that regard are unsuccessful, approaches will be made to Westwood Village Memorial Park, where equally scintillating luminaries are interred.
“This very creative enterprise will bring a new sense of energy and fun that’s totally unlike anything anywhere else, honest,” said a CBS spokesperson, who also revealed that the Company has been working with a secret team for several months on the creation of the series, which was completely developed by the people at CBS independent of any other programming on the air. “Given the current creative and legal environment in the reality programming business, we’re sure nobody will have any problem with this title or our upcoming half-hour comedy for primetime, POSTMODERN FAMILY.”
“After all,” the spokesperson added, “people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.”

Yes CBS, we are laughing. At you? with you?...what does it matter?
And i's okay CBS = because no one has taken you seriously for years now....

via Deadline

The Martians are here...

...and they have come to save Detroit. Also, I learned they don't take no orders from no woman. And they want to give the Polish their fair due.

But seriously, I love how fame whores try so hard to get on TV, and it only takes this nutbag 10 minutes of crazy to make the national rounds. Or, as the top youtube comment says...

"Why the fuck is this news? Oh, dude dropped some logs, HURRY GET THE FUCKING CAMERA, THIS IS BREAKING. Fuck you humanity."

The unthinkable catcopter...

...it truly is unthinkable. Until you think about it, at which point you can't unthink it at all. Terrifying. NSFB - not safe for brain. It's sort of like when you find out that one of your most unlikely of friends used to be a stripper-prostitute, and you are disturbed. And maybe you forget about it, but each time you are reminded, it becomes, once again, the most terrifying thing you have ever heard. Catcopter - you are in a place few minds have gone before. The fact that I am proliferating this is a sure sign of the downfall of society, and I apologize in advance. But I can't help myself.....the disaster draws me in....

The Classiness of Cannes

....is clearly epitomized by the hysterically CGI scene from Nicole Kidman's new movie, "The Paperboy." Now, while it's widely known that any movie Nicole Kidman decides to be in will most likely be a huge bomb, they keep casting her in things. And apparently they try and drag those movies to France and pretend like they are true pieces of cinema, or some shit like that. In this glorious movie that I'm pretty sure I will never, ever see, unless I just cannot, for the life of me, fall asleep on my next westbound flight, naked Zac Efron abounds - this is quite succinctly announced by the gay director, who says "What? He's hot!" But the deep levels of meaning don't stop there....see this amazingly descriptive paragraph of one of the film scenes, as told by vulture.com:

"Later in the movie, as Efron's romantic ardor for Kidman is at its peak, the two head to the beach, where he decides to cool down with a dip in the ocean. Naturally, he is attacked by CG jellyfish. (Only the sixteenth weirdest thing to happen in this movie.) Covered in sting marks, he barely manages to drag himself to shore, and when Kidman is alerted to the attack by some comely girls who surround Efron, she pushes them away, pops a squat, and out comes number-one. And yes, you get a close-up of the stream. This is a movie that often seems to be missing important transitional scenes or specific inserts, but you had better believe that when Nicole Kidman pees on Zac Efron, that camera is there."

Now I certainly have had a guy or two offer to pee on me, "just for medical reasons," but I don't know how I feel about this. Sounds like a gimmick to me. And not a very successful one since they are definitely going to have to edit out that scene for the plane...

And for some reason, when I searched for 'classy cannes,' it just kept wanting to direct me to 'classy canines.' So I'll roll with that....

Now this is how you shut a bitch down...

Man, Tamron Hall did not hesitate for a second in her brutal, fearless and domineering shut-down of Tim Carney during his MSNBC interview. It's a good thing his last name is Carney, because dayum, she made him look like a fool. Sing it sister! I'd be surprised if he got any serious gigs for a while since she pretty much made him look like a nasty, petty, blabbering idiot. And that's how you shut a bitch down. Where can I sign up for lessons?




mrfreedomdemocracy1 gives us the full scoop:

"For those who don't know the reason of this fight, Tim Carney started changing topic 10 minutes before talking about "silly war on women" and Tamron said don't you dare to call me silly on a such a sensitive topic. Then every time she asked different questons about Romney he attacked MSNBC (which actually pays his a good salary as opinionist) avoiding the answer.
YOU GO GIRL!!!!! FUCK THIS PIECE OF SHIT!!!"

ditto my zealous friend. ditto.

hmmm...i learn from my googling that not everyone was on her side....

Music Video of the Day! Takeo Ischi - Bibi Hendl (2011)

That's right - you heard me - a Japanese yodeler! And like any self-respecting yodeler, Takeo is a weird old man who confuses the rest of the human race with his desire to seek fame through yodeling. Also, I have no idea what the chickens have to do with anything....I do know one thing for sure = Takeo can cluck with the best of them! I hope that this extremely bizarre music video makes the rounds, if only so that Takeo can check off what is clearly at the very top of his extra-crispy bucket list. Oh, and they definitely chose the right location to film this video, because only a cafe in Hell would condone this!  Thanks Takeo! Keep up the clucking good work!

And apparently the Germans know what's up, because Takeo's wikipedia profile has yet to make it to America....

Fashion Updates - Honey, We're Home!!!

Anyone who knows me can vouch for the fact that I have been telling just about any poor soul to cross my path that 1993 CA surfer fashion is coming back into vogue with a vengeance. It sounds crazy, I know - to think of all those colors and mismatched patterns and polka dots and crazy beach hair = preposterous!  Well, I just stumbled across this new photo shoot of Kristen Stewart for that Kerouac movie she's doing, and every single outfit confirms my predictions.  Get ready for the summer people!!! 1993 is back!!!

(For a thorough lesson on what this entails, please check out the Seth Green fashion show courtesy of Airborne...)

No time for bronchitis

Sweet Brown, Sweet Jesus. Ain't no time for bronchitis. That about sums it up.




The internet is an incredible place where things of zero importance can sweep the nation and bring millions of people together. It's actually kind of brilliant to know that, despite our differences, an out-of-place attractive dude, grotesquely stretched asshole, shiba inu puppy cam or religiously animated interview can still bring us together as a species, uniting minds across incredible distance and providing hope for humanity (right?).

Fuck religion, screw a cantaloupe! All we need is a gory enough rim shot and collective consciousness will be reached!!!!











Special thanks to onthatpage.wordpress.com. Oh yeah, and Richard Dawkins for making memes a household reality.




































And what would this post be without a few pictures of sad Keanu, quite possibly my favorite meme of all times?

Music Video of the Day! - Swedish House Mafia (Save the World)

Now, I'm not a fan of house music. Also the mob = they sort of rub me the wrong way. But the Swedes? Them I have no problem with. In a land of half naked women answering the door, artichoke roast beef ice cream and dog toilets, who can be anything but happy? Even if it is in a mildly delirious, get me out of this rain, sort of way? Well, since Wikipedia tells me that the Swedish House Mafia are, in fact, Swedish, I should be no kind of surprised that they are the makers of this bizarre yet epically cute music video. At first, I was worried that I was going to be watching another one of those back to high school, hero, violence, white dude, self-esteem music videos. But then it all became clear. O. M. G. Swedish House Mafia - thank you for both shocking me and make me whimper in delight. Oh the Awwwwww factor.

Nuttin' Honey

This post is brought to you from dlisted.com - thank you for this amazing quote on Angelina Jolie's new movie:

"Angie is doing all of this to sell the shit out of that In the Land of Blood and Honey movie. She's flaunting it everywhere and I'm still not going to see it. Sorry. I wouldn't even see it if she renamed it In the Land of Nuttin' Honey and re-worked the plot to be about a couple going through a painful divorce because one of them answers "Nuttin' honey" to every single question the other one asks. Okay, I'd watch it then and only then."

Amen brother.

Oh Giants...Oh Brian....

Yes, it's true. I've been totally absorbed into the legacy of Los Gigantes, like any self-respecting SF resident these days. And with that comes a complete and utter obsession with Brian Wilson. So amazing! So quirky! Such a character! What is it that I have to do to get a date with him again?? Oh the dreams. Well, why is that beard such a symbol of all that is Giant and Great? This commercial pretty much sums it all up for me. Fear the Beard, bitch.




I'm also super excited for this Showtime series on the Giants called "The Franchise." The 30 minute preview got me all riled up. And made me fall ever more in love with the strangeness that is Brian Wilson. Oh Brian, take me home....

Showtime put the first episode online HERE

Music video of the day! Rihanna: Man Down

Wait a second: this is genius! Why didn't anyone think of it before? Rihanna has finally released a music video for an island song, and damn: she sounds amazing! It's like she was born on an island or something! My RiRi respect has definitely gone out the roof. Keep it up girl!

Lady Gaga: Judas

Wow. This is awful. When I predicted Lady Gaga's fall from grace, I never thought it would be so trashy. In fact, the only part of this video (or song for that matter) that I cared for, was the part when she wasn't singing at all. Mostly because seeing her get hit by that wave was pretty cool. Other than that...yuck. And why does she always take her clothes off? She just looks like some abuse survivor with her dirty cotton panties. It's actually creeping me out a bit. And wow. Could these lyrics be any worse? When a friend mocked Taio Cruz's "Dynamite" for the extraneous use of the word "sometimes" in the chorus, I was a little hurt inside. But now I can counter with the even more useless inclusion of not 1, but 2 place-filling "baby"s in Gaga's chorus. And she calls herself an artist? Perhaps if she started dating Joaquin Pheonix, I would be slightly more interested in her arts and crafts projects....

Music video of the day!

Wow. Everything about this video is completely amazing. This is pretty much why video was invented: so we can look back on things like this and ask what crazy chain of events could have possibly led to such a bizarre circumstance. I only have one question: which one is his wife?

What the hell is going on with fashion these days?

Wow. So-called "haute-couture," much like the pop music of today, has really gone above and beyond the point of irony. This collection from Louis Vitton's Paris show pretty much epitomizes everything that is currently hideous about fashion. Look at these models!!! They don't even look like women, for one; they are more like androgynous toads that have fused with planks of wood. And the outfits are certainly not doing them any favors!!!! I have long pondered on how powdered wigs, in the style of Fisher's runaway selection, could have evolved out of the primordial fashion ooze (okay okay, so pretty much the same as today: they were copying a celebrity). I mean, they look ridiculous! And everyone wears one and acts like it's normal! In fact, I wish I owned one now! But still.... = the curious case of fugly fashion.

Video Review: Born This Way

Hey hey. So I thought I would throw my two cents into the ring about Gaga's new video before it was all anybody was talking about. Or before they forget it exists. It's a tough window really. Ok, wtf? Bad timing Gaga, because Ke$ha just had unicorns in her video that came out like last week, so that sucks. Yeah, it was just a little piece, but unicorns are unicorns. And just for the record, NPH pretty much unicorned us at for the last decade, so did we really need to start that up again so soon? Also, it seems pretty clear that Gaga did not write that monologue in the beginning. I mean, I'm not convinced that she had ever heard the words, "mitosis, temporal, infinite, pendulum or unwaveringly" before this video. Either that or her transmogrification into Madonna comes complete with early onset of 'I'm going to speak with an accent so people forget I'm American," disease. And wait? Is it okay to say Orient again? I guess I missed that memo. On one final and resounding note: can I just say...there is absolutely zero way to take her message of compassion and self-love seriously when she is prancing around in lingerie trying to show off her new "I'm famous now" figure. Or is this some sort of James Franco/Joaquin Pheonix practice in tomfuckery? Ok wait. I take it back. She's been dressing like a slut forever...

Peace and Love,
Tesla




Update: I was right! She hadn't heard those words before! As MTV so helpfully points out, her monologue is pretty much plucked from the mind of some other crazy who probably doesn't even realize he's being exploited since she paid him in crazy snacks and iguanas....

Denny Brewer: Deep-fried Texas musician/oddball who, along with his son, plays in the band Refried Ice Cream. In recent weeks, Brewer has risen to fame thanks to his recorded ramblings about alternate dimensions, phase-shifting, lizard people and pomegranates that serve as the through-line to Bright Eyes' The People's Key album. Much of what Gaga declares in her "Manifesto of Mother Monster" is lifted from Brewer's playbook: a "mitosis of the future," a "multiverse" and the constantly changing concepts of "temporal" and "eternal."
via MTV.com

News Story of the Day: Vampire Forecloses on His Bank

Yes, you read that right. A Philadelphia vampire turned the tables on Wells Fargo recently when he took them to court for not answering his letters and then tried to foreclose on their building when they ignored court-ordered payment and sheriff's mandates. This story is amazing. Mostly because this video is so freakin' boring. Here I am listening to it in the background and it could be any-old silly news story. But then I look at the image and BAM! it's a vampire!!! I had no idea that the level of political correctedness and tolerance had reached such a high in this country! It's actually a little inspiring. Because I'm pretty sure this could have never happened 10 years ago. Or could it? I'll have to think about it. Either way, as dlisted.com says, "My favorite part is that the reporter dude is never like, "Why the fuck are you wearing fangs?!" Not only has the vampire vs. banks war started off with a bang (or should I say, fang), but this is a giant step forward for vampire and human relations!"

So this is what it's come to....

Apparently of all of the god-forsaken things to be causing a stir about, a black woman wearing black-face is right up there at the top. Yes, that's right....: Beyonce is black. If anything, it seems like people should be uppity about how she's slowly morphing into Christina Aguilera in her spare time. I mean, I think it's weirder to see a black woman wearing white-face than black-face, but that's just me. Or what about those strange hotel commercials where the black man is incapable of swimming or riding a horse or figuring things out? But no. And who was saying that fashion doesn't have power....?










via Necole Bitchie

New Video From Britney = The Saddest Thing I Have Seen in Days....

Poor poor Britney. This video was like an epically terrifying depiction of our current media culture. At least, that's the feeling I'm walking away with.... The whole 5 times I could see Britney's face in this video, she just looked like a little girl who has been locked in the closet for years. Have you ever seen such a look of soul-crushing sadness? And not only is the theme of the video about pimping her out, but you've got blatant product placement left and right. I mean...let's face it. She wasn't even there when they made this video. Or this song. Her body might have been there, but geeze....I'm pretty sure her mind has been gone for a long time....I'm totally getting some Interstella 555 vibe here.....