Screw You Science!

Here I was, minding my own business, relaxing on the pot (appropriate double entendre), and I realized that my own toilet paper was trying to brainwash me! In fact, it was so outrageous that I am addressing this letter to the kings of justice of my local school board. How dare Trader Joe's impose their evolutionary he-be-je-be 'not-of-Jesus' magic on me? That's right: there are DNA strands on my toilet paper! They're even wrapped around living things like butterflies and flowers so you know exactly what sorts of loveable lifeforms it's coding for! Preposterous I tell you! Or, as my favorite Southerny's would tell you, "it's just not possible." Screw You Science!

It all makes sense now....

I've clearly been doing almost everything wrong in my attempts to locate and be wooed by shirtless men named Dr. Francois. Let the awkwardly adorable Katherine, who is not afraid to use the phrase "Italian Stallion," and mean it, show you the way.

Arnold's not the only one!

Who knew Samuel L. Jackson was getting in politics? I mean, this dude is fierce. He is like a little old grandma getting ready to slap the silliness out of us. And that says a lot from the dude who stole Westinghouse's favorite party look! Keep it classy!

And so it begins....

Yes, it's only pop music. On the other hand, pop music basically rules the world at this point, so it makes this reinvention of the Singularity all that much scarier. Enjoy!

YES! of the day!

I'm sure we all remember back to the fabulousness of that "scrappy but lovable brother" incident that involved scaring off (and telling off) a breakin-cracky. Well, as I mentioned yesterday, this is the 21st century, people! And that means that a local news story with character = autotuned youtube video = performing at the fucking BET Hip-Hop Awards yo! Yes! That's all it takes! And weirdos wonder about that whole **balloon boy thing. I love how totally not stealing the spotlight Antoine is. He could have been up there like he was never going to see another camera in his life! But no. Antoine knows that the people love him. And there is no need to hurry. And by hurry I mean try and get as much attention as possible in as little time as possible. Nope Nope. Keep it cool. And keep it shiny!


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Good Morning Sunshine!

Yes, my friends, there is still hope in this here 21st century. The outcasts will rise and instant global proliferation of images means that people who might never have been noticed can now unite the world in harmony and awe. Okay, that's a little grandiose, but it's not like I'm talking about Jersey Shore here. Besides, as an evolutionary anthropologist, I got to give major props for making us remember how opposable our feet used to be. Keep rocking!

YES! of the day!

I feel like this information really says everything you need it to on its own. I mean, it's a pay-to-pump wine station. Could things get any trashier? I'm actually at a loss for words. Coming to a Safeway near you circa 2011...

"Keg wine and wine vending machines just got supersized: 500 and one-thousand liter tanks have landed in French supermarkets.

Bring your own resealable bottles, Poland Spring containers, jerrycans, whatever. Or you can get one at the store. Select your grade (red, white, or rosé). Pump. Print receipt. "

[via Dr. Vino]