Monday, February 28, 2011

Video Review: Born This Way


Hey hey. So I thought I would throw my two cents into the ring about Gaga's new video before it was all anybody was talking about. Or before they forget it exists. It's a tough window really. Ok, wtf? Bad timing Gaga, because Ke$ha just had unicorns in her video that came out like last week, so that sucks. Yeah, it was just a little piece, but unicorns are unicorns. And just for the record, NPH pretty much unicorned us at for the last decade, so did we really need to start that up again so soon? Also, it seems pretty clear that Gaga did not write that monologue in the beginning. I mean, I'm not convinced that she had ever heard the words, "mitosis, temporal, infinite, pendulum or unwaveringly" before this video. Either that or her transmogrification into Madonna comes complete with early onset of 'I'm going to speak with an accent so people forget I'm American," disease. And wait? Is it okay to say Orient again? I guess I missed that memo. On one final and resounding note: can I just say...there is absolutely zero way to take her message of compassion and self-love seriously when she is prancing around in lingerie trying to show off her new "I'm famous now" figure. Or is this some sort of James Franco/Joaquin Pheonix practice in tomfuckery? Ok wait. I take it back. She's been dressing like a slut forever...

Peace and Love,
Tesla




Update: I was right! She hadn't heard those words before! As MTV so helpfully points out, her monologue is pretty much plucked from the mind of some other crazy who probably doesn't even realize he's being exploited since she paid him in crazy snacks and iguanas....

Denny Brewer: Deep-fried Texas musician/oddball who, along with his son, plays in the band Refried Ice Cream. In recent weeks, Brewer has risen to fame thanks to his recorded ramblings about alternate dimensions, phase-shifting, lizard people and pomegranates that serve as the through-line to Bright Eyes' The People's Key album. Much of what Gaga declares in her "Manifesto of Mother Monster" is lifted from Brewer's playbook: a "mitosis of the future," a "multiverse" and the constantly changing concepts of "temporal" and "eternal."
via MTV.com

Friday, February 25, 2011

News Story of the Day: Vampire Forecloses on His Bank

Yes, you read that right. A Philadelphia vampire turned the tables on Wells Fargo recently when he took them to court for not answering his letters and then tried to foreclose on their building when they ignored court-ordered payment and sheriff's mandates. This story is amazing. Mostly because this video is so freakin' boring. Here I am listening to it in the background and it could be any-old silly news story. But then I look at the image and BAM! it's a vampire!!! I had no idea that the level of political correctedness and tolerance had reached such a high in this country! It's actually a little inspiring. Because I'm pretty sure this could have never happened 10 years ago. Or could it? I'll have to think about it. Either way, as dlisted.com says, "My favorite part is that the reporter dude is never like, "Why the fuck are you wearing fangs?!" Not only has the vampire vs. banks war started off with a bang (or should I say, fang), but this is a giant step forward for vampire and human relations!"

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

So this is what it's come to....



Apparently of all of the god-forsaken things to be causing a stir about, a black woman wearing black-face is right up there at the top. Yes, that's right....: Beyonce is black. If anything, it seems like people should be uppity about how she's slowly morphing into Christina Aguilera in her spare time. I mean, I think it's weirder to see a black woman wearing white-face than black-face, but that's just me. Or what about those strange hotel commercials where the black man is incapable of swimming or riding a horse or figuring things out? But no. And who was saying that fashion doesn't have power....?










via Necole Bitchie

Friday, February 18, 2011

New Video From Britney = The Saddest Thing I Have Seen in Days....

Poor poor Britney. This video was like an epically terrifying depiction of our current media culture. At least, that's the feeling I'm walking away with.... The whole 5 times I could see Britney's face in this video, she just looked like a little girl who has been locked in the closet for years. Have you ever seen such a look of soul-crushing sadness? And not only is the theme of the video about pimping her out, but you've got blatant product placement left and right. I mean...let's face it. She wasn't even there when they made this video. Or this song. Her body might have been there, but geeze....I'm pretty sure her mind has been gone for a long time....I'm totally getting some Interstella 555 vibe here.....




Thursday, February 17, 2011

So this is what happens when you hang out with A-Rod....


First Madonna, now Cameron. What is his end-game here? Is he secretly trying to take down the society of sexy blondes in Hollywood? Because it's working. He wasn't ever connected with Renee Zellweger was he....? He's really not helping the twink rumors here...I'm just sayin'...







Tuesday, February 15, 2011

YES! of the day!


Man oh man! It's nice to see that after all those ridiculous pop performances, the Grammys was able to actually produce not one, but 5 insanely talented female singers. Whew! For a second there I was worried that pop was trying eliminate the power of the vixen vocal altogether. But no! A light shines! This tribute to Aretha gave me hope, courage, and I may have stood up in my room clapping. But seriously! Preach it girls, Preach it!


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via JustJared.com

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Update: Old People Are Useful!

Just take a look at this righteous granny who managed to singlehandedly take down a thieving mo-ped gang. Either they didn't want to hurt her or they were genuinely just so confused that they ran away. Score one for old people. I love how the rest of the crowd waited until she had kicked their asses to jump in and help. I also love that she saw this happening from a block away and was like, "oh man, time to check 'foiling a group of rowdy masked bandits of my bucket list!" This one is a toast to the grandmas.




via arbroath.blogspot.com

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

So....we're probably not any closer to the end of the world



Don't worry. Reports of Bieber-fever and Balloon-boy brewhaha as signs of the next apocalypse shouldn't bring out all the worry-warts quite yet. As I've just learned, people have been exploiting children in the pop business for decades. This poor kid, Jordy, was so musically abused in early-90's France that the government actually had to put a ban on his broadcasts as a form of child services! Olsen-mothers of the world, take note! You haven't done nearly enough until a whole country thinks you've gone too far! Jordy's family also opened up a themed petting zoo where he may or may not have been the main attraction. Later in life, Jordy was also accused of using very hip homeless as backup dancers in his band. Man, the things one kid has to go through. And who says life can't be stranger than fiction?

Ps. that balloon kid was some Piltdown shit all over again!












via dlisted.com

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

YES! of the day!

And here folks, is our daily proof that low-budget, independent can still be damn funny. Yes siree, I'm talking about this outlandishly hilarious Winnipeg Humane Society commercial advertising "Kitty Midnight Madness," but actually just trying to get you to adopt an animal. Who knew that Canadians were so funny?